FEBRUARY
“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”
-Oprah Winfrey
The English word comes from the French, responsible, which means “answerable” (to another, for something). The French word is then based on the Latin, respondere, “respond, answer to, promise in return.” Now, you may ask why this sudden interest in the etymology of a word. Well, I wanted to know what the word really meant since I have always been known to be a responsible person, almost to a fault. Because of my sense of responsibility, I have frequently neglected my health, sanity, serenity, and joy. I feel the need, a compulsion to finish a project, to follow through on a promise, or respond to that nagging email message. But why? Who was I answerable to and what would happen if I don’t?
Let’s take this newsletter for example. I completely forgot about the newsletter until later in the afternoon on Jan. 31. I had been busily following through on all my promises/projects at the high school so that I can prepare for my new position as the academic advisor at Iliff School of Theology. It has been one of those days, actually weeks, in which I have worked 12 hour days and then some more since the work usually spilled into the weekends. So I thought about skipping the newsletter this month; after all, who actually reads them. But sure enough, I was up Saturday morning (Feb. 1) thinking about this newsletter. I knew if I did not write it, I would feel incomplete and dare I say, irresponsible and therefore for lack of a better word, yucky. But to whom was I trying to answer? It was definitely not any one particular person, institution, or community. So why? The world will not fall apart or my life be rewarded with money or sex. Nada.
Then I started to wonder about all the work I do that is not rewarded - there is a lot. My dear friend always smiles and reminds me that I spend most of my time on non-paying work than on anything else, including my closest friends. As much as I hate being responsible, this very attitude has helped me establish Platform. Just this month alone, I was able to find half of our facilitators for the Spring workshop (April 16-18), form our high school team of leaders at Empower, strategize grant writing, and will shortly be redesigning our website. Yes, because of my sense of duty, of following through on my promises, I make sure that everything is up and going. Yet there is the potential for exhaustion and burnout, something I cannot afford at this point of our development as an organization. I remember just last year how I got shingles while planning for the Spring workshops. I was miserable for several months; I still feel the aftereffects of the ailment.
I am responsible because it is who I am. I cannot stop being responsible no more than I can stop breathing. Knowing this about myself, I need to say, “no” more often even after I say yes. I am able to say no to many requests but if I need to take on a project, I need to push my responsibility on others (in the name of delegation) and if that fails, fantasize about running away. Just kidding. It's just that once I say yes, I need to curtail my responsibility to doable and undoable categories so that I am not taking on everything. And most importantly, I need to learn to walk away once my responsibility ends rather than linger. Letting go is ultimately entrusting the higher powers to continue the work where I have left off. I am just a part of the solution, not the totality of the movement for liberation. Once I am able to accept my finitude, my limitations, my frailty as a human, it is okay to be responsible, actually desirable for undertaking projects. I just need to give myself room to breathe and be kind to my humanness. Not everything will get done and sometimes, that’s okay. I have to trust, let go, and allow myself to be in the moment, whether I am working or just relaxing.
Sam
Founder. Executive Director
February. 01, 2020