DECEMBER
“Action expresses priorities.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
Decisions. How does one make an important decision? If you are like me, I take a very long time to make a decision especially when I need to make or about to break a commitment. I take commitments seriously, maybe a bit too much, which is the reason why I try to prioritize only a few projects at a time. Don’t even ask about my personal life - I am struck with paralysis at the thought of a lifetime commitment, the promise to prioritize an individual over all other commitments (oh, my). Hence, my single state. My ex-therapist actually believed that the reason why I dreaded commitment was because I haven’t found the right person. It supposedly wouldn’t even feel like bondage. But the operative word here is ex - therapist. I am just kidding. I would never stop meeting someone because they were honest and most likely, right. I would find other excuses :)
Well, most recently, I decided to walk away from a commitment because I could not handle the stress/pressure of juggling several jobs. To be honest, if it was not for Platform, I could have handled the job but I knew I wanted to be more present as I try to grow this organization. It was not an easy decision and I must admit that it was quite painful. I still haven’t figured out my feelings. I feel like my heart has been broken but it is not clear over what. I don’t know if it is because I feel like I failed a general group of people or a particular person. I don’t know if it is professional or personal. All I know is that I am really bad at being honest with my emotions, especially with the people who need to know how I feel the most. It was and is still confusing but the decision was a necessary step to align my life with my priorities.
I wanted to excel at my job but I knew that I should but could not prioritize it. So it was ultimately an ethical decision for me. Can I continue to work at a place which needed me to prioritize them above anything else when my priorities were already set? I could not. Even if they paid me millions of dollars, I would not. This is probably the reason why my father fondly said I was the dumbest person in the world. According to him, money should be always be my highest priority. But I know myself well enough to know that I must commit to that which is central to my values and what I believe to be my role/destiny in life. Even if it means that I must walk away from a commitment. Even if it means that I will disappointing some people in my life. Even if it means that I will be hurting few people. Even if it means another job search for hopefully a less demanding but definitely meaningless job or perhaps even moving to another less expensive state. All I know is that I need to set aside more time for my projects which includes Platform.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not leaving a perfect job for Platform. All jobs have pros and cons. But this decision was not about the work itself but about being fair to all the people I serve, whether it be at the job I just resigned from or people at Platform. It is not because I am a self-sacrificing, noble soul. Far from it. I am trying my best to fulfill my destiny on earth as best as I can. Does this mean that I fully know my purpose in life? No. As I age, I know less; I am less certain about everything. I have certainly been humbled by my life. But I know that I cannot continue to work at a place I cannot give my best just as I cannot easily commit to a person unless I know I am able to love more every day. It’s just not in me to give less of myself.
Honestly, at the end of the day, I don’t know if I have made the right decision in choosing Platform over a secure job. I have walked away from an important professional commitment once in my life and I have always wondered what if. However, I had no love for the institution or the people there. This time, I care about the people, one person in particular whom I deeply respect. I will not know until the tomorrows whether I made the right decision. Only time will tell but I just hope they understand that it was out of love and sense of responsibility.
As I look forward to the new year for Platform, I will be trying to align myself and our volunteers to our mission and vision. I have redirected my life to develop this organization so I will do what I can to mentor women for social justice work. I need to constantly direct the events according to, rather than allow events to dictate, the goals of our organization. I need to make our events reflect the priorities of our organization. I need Platform to impact our communities so that we are able to connect with each other without the false barriers that divide us.
Wishing you all a wonderful holiday season, full of meaningful conversations and joyous encounters.
Sam
Founder. Executive Director
December. 01, 2019