December
Exhaustion. Complete and utter physical, mental, and emotional break down. For the last two months, I have tried to be present for everyone and anyone except for myself, develop, plan, and execute projects, and carry out my daily responsibilities without a pause. The very thought of responding to an email, attending another zoom meeting, listening to a person who needs reassurance and advice, visiting my mother to care for her physical and emotional wants, or attending to the demands of my ever-so impatient boys made me want to just shout out, STOP. I just wanted to be left alone, alone with myself in the quiet of my home. I found myself waking up later and later and staying in bed longer and longer. I stayed in bed until 5:30 one morning which rarely happens.
How can we ask and receive quietude when so much is expected of us from our families, work, and communities? Can and should we demand our pauses, especially when there are deadlines, immediate concerns, and what-not of our busy lives? On the one hand, it’s not like we can stop feeding and playing with our children or dogs, who I know will go on i-cannot-believe-you-call-yourself-a-mother guilt-inducing trip. But then on the other, we will have a complete meltdown if we don’t put on the brakes. How do we stop the madness while we catch our breath, find solitude, and allow ourselves to just be? Luckily I had some time during the Thanksgiving break to reflect on this bombardment of demands on my time and energy.
We talk about self-care and we should but it really is a luxury which some of us cannot afford. I am not speaking of the financial aspect of it where companies have tried to package self-care in the form of 3-day stay at retreats with offers of un-enticing healthy foods, massages, and therapy sessions all at the cost of $3-4000. I know because I have a friend who can afford such self-care. No. I am talking about just the ability to find any time to be, not including slumping over our beds at the end of a busy day. Where does one, especially mothers whose children are learning remotely nowadays, carve out the time to get away from their obligations and responsibilities? I don’t know but if we don’t DEMAND and actually MAKE time for ourselves, we will be useless to everyone and everything we do.
Unlike my responsible self, I decided to put everything aside - emails, social media, and my friends/families/students - for 2-3 days to just read, write, exercise, watch tv, and eat. My only ‘work’ was to play with my boys and feed them. Yes, I had the luxury to set everything aside because I have a job which gives me time off, a warm house in which I can be alone, and people in my life who usually, well sometimes, will sort of respect my need to be alone but I made it a priority this time. Mind you, this is usually not my go-to method. I end up having a breakdown in which I have no choice but to stay in bed because physically I am unable on account of a flu, vertigo, shingles, or anxiety attack. You may not have the luxury to set aside 2-3 days for yourself but you cannot afford to not give yourself a break.
Listen to your exhausted body, listen to your tired inner voice, listen to your waning spirit, listen to your wary emotions. Listen and do. Take some time to do the very things that energize YOU. I can honestly say that this weekend has been life-giving. I am not ready to go back in full force but just enough to survive a Monday.
Samantha Joo
Founder and Director